October 2009
49 posts
“Jurassica was in a foul ficking mood all last week….
If she’s no...”
“Oh dear.
Im in hot water.
Ran a photo contest w/ students.
Spot The...”
Yesterday was first day back after refreshing break. 5 long lovely weeks. Sometimes I get on my knees and thank God that I’m a teacher :)
A quick heads up to all newly qualified teachers getting ready for their first week: DUCK SUCKA!!!….
pologies for the typo: the last tweet should of course have read ‘good luck’ followed by DUCK SUCKA!!
The new academic year is just around the corner and we still have no idea what lecturers have been offered contracts. HR suck hugely.
I must be psychic. No sooner do I post Iast tweet then I receive endless stream of txts from colleagues who are/aren’t returning in sept..
Among the casualties: SFB (a shame,despite staggering thickness she was fun) apparently she misspelt her name...
“Voltaire was wrong. Hell is being on holiday in the countryside with no...”
“Paris Jackson / sperm donation bruhaha: a source quotes “Mark Lester is a friend...”
It’s taken a few days for my mind to fully recover from the celebratory caperings, that and several elephant sized aspirins.
Shit In A Suit was conspicuous by absence. Probably out pimping for crack teenies…
He would have been drowned in one of the four chocolate fountains.
Yes.
Four. Chocolate. Fountains.
For fucks sake.
These were of course the idea of The Last of the...
“Oh what a superfluity of riches! If tonights event were an apple tree,...”
“Collected suit from dry cleaners for tonights inspection celebration shindig....”
Useless Eunice is off on sick leave for several weeks. Everyone is happy. Things get done when she’s not about.
Never underestimate the power of incompetence. 2 YEARS AGO we asked Useless Eunice for ceiling fans for an IT room that was unbearably hot.
Today (1 day after Useless Eunice has gone on sick leave) they have FINALLY been fitted…. IN COMPLETELY THE WRONG F******...
“The weather is looking spiffing for tomorrows picnic. I’m taking cheese...”
“Now 3 weeks after our amazing Ofsted inspection results were announced:
It...”
Had a few drinks with college tonight. Discussed Twitter. Apparently The Arrowsmith has balls of brass for telling it like it is.
Was bought several whiskeys on promise of renaming Lewd&Crass to Lewdencrude. Happy *hic* to oblige.
“Hope the weather holds for our staff picnic this weekend. If it rains we’d...”
“It was just a matter of time; we officially have our first students diagnosed...”
“Email from the HR asking me to meet with them tomorrow so I can explain why I...”
Farewell nibbles in Fack Off (faculty office) yesterday to bid adieu to disgraced Fac Director.
Staff were quietly warned that the nibble bash was not sanctioned by The Shadow and possible action would be taken against those going.
Always a sucker for a vol-au-vent and unable to resist a Wet Paint warning,The Arrowsmith trotted along.
Straight away you could tell The Shadow was taking this...
“I don’t believe it!! Just been up to the 5th floor and the radiators are...”
“Lewd&crass has been talking on the phone for an hour to Useless Eunice...”
“Our tiny staff kitchen is being invaded by lecturers from all over the campus....”
Shit In A Suit (pompous head of colleges marketing dept) seems to have a problem with students with learning difficulties/disabilities…
He has asked that we limit amount of students with learning difficulties/disabilities attending this years Students Awards ceremony…
They can come to a daytime ceremony but not the evening one where the press and exec will be in attendence What an...
“How different blaspheming would be if Gods son had been named Trevor Stebson.”
“And what does The Arrowsmith have planned this weekend? Mojitos Garden Book...”
“My students got over Jackos demise v. swiftly. Seemed more interested Youtubes...”
“SFB (incredibly thick support worker) tried to work out a students age based on...”
“Erstwhile students aka wankers ran amok along corridor this afternoon. Minor...”
“The Shadow (our Principle) was spied in the canteen@ lunchtime. A collegue tried...”
“Checking my emails to see if The Shadow will close the college for a day...”
– On day Michael Jackson’s was announced.
“Anyway. Friday has swaggered around again that means a whole day suffering at...”
“Today Flaxen Fox (liason officer) did passable impression of Le Chiffre. Blood...”
“Campus Gestapo are patrolling halls with Amnesia Guns in attempt to erase all...”
“You have to picture Lewd&Crass to really appreciate floor-scrappingly low...”
“Lewd&Crass (office admin worker) has been ruining everyones appetites today...”
Campus Gestapo have frog marched Faculty Director off the premises. We small cogs can only summise as to why. Rumour mill in overdrive.
Top 5: Sexual misconduct Falsification of official docs Theft Abuse of position Failure to contribute to tea kitty suspect nos 2&5
Slippery Git (head of campus Gestapo) is remaining silent on matter. easy for him though - he can’t string more than 3...
“Whilst all around are losing their tempers, The Arrowsmith naturally remains...”
“and what have we learnt today? That more students are off with ‘upset...”
“Happy to report Jiz Octopus has been removed from stock room. That thing gave me...”
Disgraced ex-support services manager left a legacy of errors staggering in their incompetence. Reviewing her comments in student files:
Student X ‘may become argumentative and abusive’ At this point The Arrowsmith should add that Student X is non verbal!!! Staggering.
Another:Student Y ‘requires regular exercise- recommended strategies: short jogs around campus’ ahem...
“Maybe our Principle has an aversion to physical contact.
I assumed the anti-bac...”
“Following our grade 1 ofsted inspection our Principle, The Shadow, has reverted...”
Off to Greenwich Market to buy sign warning ‘Lecturer Liable To Bite’ May buy Chuckles a book of jokes; see if her face can manage a smile…
Failed to find book for Chuckles. Don’t feel bad though. It would take a work of godlike genius to put even half a smile on that dour phis
Do my hapless studes not realise by now that The Arrowsmith can spot a lifted essay in an instant?!?
In her last essay ‘Student X’ couldn’t spell for toffee:’deside’ ‘oppinian’ In this essay she now manages ‘homologous’ and ‘phonetically’
Spell this you plagerising loafer: FAIL.
No one hoodwinks The Arrowsmith
Decided to pass on invitation to after work drinks on basis of those attending. KY,an oily asshole from Student Support whom I trust as far as I can fly and Jellyneck, not as oily as KY but twice the asshole. Together they make post work tipples as enticing as sticking cacti down Y-fronts No. It’s the homeward path I tread this fine evening in this fine historic capital of ours. Just...
“Chuckles (dour faced Art tutor) has left student work drying in stock room.
One...”
“Thinking of task with suitably hi-tedia / somach churning content for class C....”
“Our college (we are told) is at the bleeding edge of technology.
Partially...”
“Someone has been eating biscuits at my desk. Crumbs everywhere. I suspect it was...”
“Our staff kitchen has been invaded by Princes Trust tutors. Hip gunslinging...”
“Some little sod walked off with my memory stick today. Tomorrow class C will be...”